


Silk and Velvet

by mosaicu_baby



Category: Jeff Beck - Fandom, Led Zeppelin
Genre: Angst, Complicated Relationships, Drabble Collection, Erotica, Established Relationship, Feelings, Feelings Porn, Fluff and Angst, Gay, Hurt/Comfort, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Sex, Soul Bond, Soul porn, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, smoking fetish
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-07
Updated: 2020-12-07
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:20:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 45
Words: 18,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22595428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mosaicu_baby/pseuds/mosaicu_baby
Summary: Jimbert and Jemmy erotic and near erotic drabble compilation, talking about feelings, creating emotional landscapes ♡
Relationships: Jeff Beck/Jimmy Page, Jimmy Page/Robert Plant
Comments: 166
Kudos: 71





	1. Red

**Author's Note:**

> I'm gonna refill it irregularly as l get new ideas, because I don't want to overload my profile with million of just small drabbles without much plot in it. Some additional tags and warnings may be applied later, the mood and rating may differ in each part from PG to NC. Please keep in mind that English isn't my mother tongue, any correction and comments will be appreciated :3
> 
> You can read it in Russian here https://ficbook.net/readfic/9041527

Velvet darkness, candles reflect in the eyes opposite like millions of starts.

Walls are too thin.

Between them there is music, women, whose faces they cannot remember, broken promises, bottle of whiskey and too much clothes. Glossy tube of lipstick is on the bedside table, forgotten there by somebody, who already managed to crumple bed sheets.

Robert applies lipstick with his hands, Jimmy looks at him with that sad green eyes. Robert erases invisible stranger's touches from Jimmy's skin with his kisses, thunder and lightning rage outside. Bed sheets, defiled by stranger body, are lying on the floor. Thin trembling fingers grab Robert's hair, they pass soft groans from mouth to mouth, like a tennis ball. Robert holds him tight till the end.

Air smells dampness and cigarettes, which don't fit into ashtray. Bloody red traces of Jimmy's lips cover Robert's wrists and lower abdomen, like irrefutable evidence. And his endlessly sad eyes.


	2. Glitter Bomb

Two girls wriggled like snakes, touching each other, but no one seemed to give a fuck. John Paul just faked out in the corner of the sofa, Robert was bored, only Cole and Bonzo happily encouraged every body movement from the scene. No, it was cool for the first time, but, just like other delights, became flat soon. Especially when they were not supposed to touch the girls. Jimmy never understood why everyone is screaming in strip clubs like they've never seen naked women before. It wasn't the best evening, Jimmy realized that he's loosing time and started to get annoyed, spilling his frustration on cute, but pretty dimwitted waitress, who was hanging around him. Finally she got offended and left. Jimmy was dreaming about leaving as well, but he couldn't - no one would understand.

Bonzo's inexhaustible enthusiasm began to evaporate. In order to have some fun and cheer up the rest of them he suggested the girls pour beer on each other, what they gladly did. Robert made sour joke about cheese crackers.

Jimmy got headache from bright lights flashing in the dark, too many long fake nails, coated with ultramarine polish, smells of perfume, deodorant and cheap powder. He felt more than happy when they collectively decided to leave the club, only John Paul's opinion wasn't asked because he was unavailable. However, they still took a couple of pretty girls.

They had to break into two camps: drunk to half-insanity Bonzo and Cole with strip dancers, who were likely to be twins, and yet sleepy John Paul along with Robert and Jimmy, who was absolutely not upset about girl's absence in their car. Robert seemed to feel the same way.

The lanterns, appearing and disappearing behind the window, snatched the delicate features of his face from the dark and Jimmy noticed some glitters in his hair and suit. It must be from stripper's dress.

Robert turned slightly and grabbed his hand, calmly resting on the leather seat.

When in the hotel he hung over Jimmy, frantically, like a spell, whispering his name, glitters from his hanging hair strands fell down on Jimmy's face and settled on his eyelashes.


	3. Paint me

They knock easel over. Jimmy laughs into his shoulder.

Robert circles him around the room, dropping other things. Grey walls are filled with LSD-dream-like colours. Clothes is spoiled, so Jimmy suggests they should take it off. Robert strokes his cheek, leaving pink traces on soft skin - he's mine, he has my marks.

Jimmy's eyes are leading him, dry lips promise that today they will die and rise like two Phoenixes. Robert is melting in his heat, he leaves orange marks on Jimmy’s hips and behind the knees.

'Paint me', Jimmy says, 'Everything's so colourless, I cannot stand it '

His hair is smudged with blue tint, blue like Robert's eye, Robert's hair is green. 

Workroom is a mess, print of someone’s painted palm is on the window. They walk away, leaving a rainbow behind. 


	4. Time

Jeff took his wrist and said, 'Your watch had stopped'

Jimmy didn't twitch. Didn't look up.

He knew they lost something, he knew he behaved like a twat but he couldn't stay away from his nature. Jeff looked hurt when he realized that Jimmy was going to release this bloody song. He didn't get angry, with Jimmy he was always patient, he didn't say anything, but Jimmy knew. However it was too late to fix it. Their time was running out.

'Have you eaten?', Jeff said.

Unimportant questions they used to ask in order to escape something bigger.

Jimmy pressed half burned cigarette in the ashtray. Picked up new, lighted the fire. No words left his lips, only puff of smoke.

Jeff moved away his hair and pressed soft fragile kisses on his neck. Jimmy closed his eyes, but didn't move, didn't lean to him. Jeff's breath was shaky and ticklish.

Jimmy wanted him to shout. Maybe even slap his face, break the silence, break that tension, give him a chance to respond.

Jeff pulled his hand away like if Jimmy was hot stove.

'Fix it, okay?'

Jimmy nodded, not sure if Jeff talked about watch. He heard the door closed.  



	5. Gloves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yes, it's first and only Jimbert fluff made by me :D

Jimmy’s carefully inspecting them, caressing soft leather. Robert’s smile disappears.

‘You don’t like them’

‘Why? They’re beautiful’

‘Wanna try it out?’

Jimmy puts on the gloves and they suit like if they were made specially for him. They walk through empty streets of morning-cold London, chain smoking, wrapping themselves in layers of warm clothes. Jimmy keeps calm. After they passed three lanes Robert gives up.

‘I thought you’re always cold’

Jimmy squints at him.

‘So, you don’t want me to do like this anymore?’, he puts his hand into Robert’s pocket, watches him seriously, waiting for answer.

‘I do’

Jimmy smiles and doesn’t take his palm out, even it makes their promenade uncomfortable. Robert hugs him, because he can and anyway no one sees them. Jimmy nestles to him, their cheeks are almost toughing now. He feels warm. 


	6. The room

Robert stretched in the bed, staring at the ceiling. The long beeps echoed in his head like hummers crashing concrete. Bed sheets tossed around and crumpled, soaked in sweat, his, still there, and Jimmy's, already dry.

Seconds became minutes, minutes became forever. Beeps kept drumming in his ears even after he hung up. Gloomy grey sky, typical for London, the mess of his notebooks on the bed and Jimmy's book he forgot. Robert opened his diary, took a pen and thought what he can write. Nothing came to mind. He closed it and chewed grapes instead, lazily spitting seeds on the floor. Charwoman would clean it anyway. He tried to count grapes seeds, messed up after one hundred and reached for the handset.

Beeps bit him harder than dog would bite. Robert clenched his grip on the poor plastic, when familiar nasal voice said, 'Hello?'

'Jimmy, it's me'

'Did anything happen?'

Robert turned on his stomach and glanced around the room. 'No, not really, I just need to hear your voice', to prove they were real. Jimmy sighed, annoyance in his tone when he spoke.

'Robert, it's not quite right time', he must be covering the receiver, but Robert still could hear women's laughter, 'I'm busy'

'Oh, I can imagine', he let it sound sour, let Jimmy know that he knew.

'I'm working'

'Sure, no problem'

'See you when I come back'

Robert didn't wait him to finish, he hung up. He stood on the middle of the room, where everything reminded him of that fucking liar Jimmy, suddenly, cozy hotel felt like a trap. Robert rushed to open the windows, breathe in some fresh air, clean up his head. He watched people below, talking, smiling, running somewhere, there might even be some of their fans, but they didn't know he was here, broken and fucked up, hurt.

Robert took a pen, wrote a few lines and crossed them. Tried again. No result. He crossed everything and wrote just four words before he got dressed and left.

Does anybody remember laughter? 


	7. Four walls

Jimmy got that dull lifeless look, the same mist in his eyes as Robert could see outside the window. He cringed. He knew he looked life-fucked as well, but he barely could recognize Jimmy. Not so much time passed from their last meeting, he saw Jimmy's photos in the magazines, yet cameras failed to deliver this absent look. Jimmy seemed like a man who just surfaced his biggest nightmare. Robert got used to Jimmy, who could solve any problem, new Jimmy could barely stand straight, swinging like a small tree on the wind, cigarette in his teeth, thinned arms.

His face must reflect something, because Jimmy turned to his side and said, 'Don't you even dare'

'What?'

'Don't dare to pity me'

'You know you don't have to be isolated, just let us help you, I could..'

'No. You know nothing'

Of course. Robert lost a year to learn how to walk again, he lost his only son and almost lost his wife, but Jimmy would pretend he knew better. He was wearing old jeans with patch on the knee, he had for like ten years, sneakers. Body of teenage boy, only exhausted face reflected his real age.

'I just want to help'

'Leave me alone, okay?'

'What the hell is wrong with you?', Robert was never patient, he grabbed Jimmy's shoulders and shook him. His head limped to the side, teeth clattered, and Robert dropped his hands. Jimmy sat with cigarette in his fingers, his face unacceptably close. Green eyes were ranning from side to side, searching for something that never existed. Robert hold his chin, they looked at each other for the first time, and Jimmy pursed his lips, kissed so many times by Robert, in displeasure. 

'No'

'Bastard'

Robert put hand on his neck, squeezed, not too tight, but sensable, and dragged him closer. He knew that sinful mouth too well, he almost got used to his teeth, crooked from cocaine. As Robert remebered his saliva tasted bitter. Jimmy sluggishly moved his lips, his tongue was stil numb under Robert's pressure, and Robert was done with it.

'I bet you aren't that cold with these poor girlies, still hanging on you'

'What are you talking about?'

'Take off your clothes'

Jimmy threw the stump away, pulled the buttons as if he dared Robert. Puisne chest, covered with thin hair, but Robert wouldn't be able to stop. Jimmy was so pitiful, beaten by life, attenuated, but not less desirable for him. Robert slid his hands along the stiff ribs inside his pants, too big for such a small body, unbelted them. Jimmy blankly watched his attempts to make his hard while Robert's shaft was ready and hurt. Unfair.

'See', Jimmy said, with that voice so calm he could be discussing the weather.

'If you don't want it properly, fine'

They raised a cloud of old dust, when Robert pushed him, dragged up the tabletop. Jimmy sneezed. It seemed like he didn't fully understand or didn't believe because he stopped resisting. Robert lifted his skinny legs, pulled off his boots and then jeans. Jimmy pushed hands to his chest in weak protest, muttered something on the verge of hearing. Robert spat.

'You hurt me'

Actually Jimmy hurt him a lot too, when he didn't give a fuck. It wasn't even that Robert felt used and forgotten, Jimmy could treat him with understanding, not as mate or lover, just as human being. But Jimmy wanted the album. Thrust. Jimmy wanted fame. Thrust. Jimmy wanted cocaine, he didn't give a tiny fuck about what was going on. Thrust, thrust. Jimmy hit the wall with top of his head, Robert grabbed his hair violantly and noticed for the first time that his temples were white. Jimmy watched him with empty eyes, rock star lifestyle sucked the soul out of him, no expression on his face.

Robert recoiled, he felt cold sweat on his spine. What were they doing? Jimmy was so broken and haggard, Robert felt disgusted with himself and with Jimmy's body. He fixed his clothes, gave Jimmy his jeans. Jimmy sat up.

'Hell, I don't know what hit me'

Jimmy responded in his casual tone, puling up his pants, 'Tell me did you feel it too? Nothing works'

'You mean your erection?'

Jimmy rolled his eyes, amazed with Robert's stupidity, 'I mean us. The band'

'I don't know', lies.

Jimmy smoked again, stared at the window. First ray of the rising sun passed through the dusty curtains, lightening up his mask-like face. Robert desperately wanted to be on the other side of the window, he felt like he was trapped in four walls, locked up with dead men. Four of them were trying to revive something that was dead long ago and couldn't resurrect. 

Jimmy finished cigarette, with fingers' click threw it on the floor. 

'Good night, Robert'

He walked away, never turning back. Robert was left alone like the only survived soldier after the battle, invisible blood on his hands.


	8. Threads

Jeff contemplates himself in the mirror for millionth time and comes to unfavorable conclusion.

'I look like a gay'

'Well, why immediately gay?', Jimmy debates. Jeff measures him with displeased look. Jimmy recommended him to this band and now Jeff has to wear woman clothes, because Jimmy won't play himself. Touring is contraindicated for him.

'Than how?'

Jimmy circles him with serious face.

'Like a dumbhead'

He laughs, Jeff laughs too. Tomorrow they have a gig and he'll die of embarrassment if he has to show up dressed like this, probably getting drunk before show isn't a bad idea. Jimmy straighten up, his cheeks are red.

'Never mind', he says, 'Girls like it'

Jeff waves his hands and starts to unbutton blouse. Jimmy holds on his shoulder, his touch sends warmth to Jeff's whole body, his face is too close, his lips are pursed.

'Wait, there's a thread'

Jimmy picks it with two fingers and tries to tear off, but the thread doesn't surrender. Every time he pulls it becomes longer, finally Jeff pushes him away.

'Idiotic hands, gimme scissors'

Jimmy says 'aha' and Jeff isn't starring at his ass in tight pants as they go downstairs, not at all.


	9. Laundromat

Jimmy's pupils are size of saucers while he's watching the drum spinning. Jeff wonders what's so interesting there, but no matter how long he's examining it he just sees swirl of their clothes and their reflections in the plastic door.

'What are you starring at?', he couldn't keep it to himself anymore. Jimmy blinks like if he just realises that he's not alone, slides his hand into the pocket and offers him small round pill. Jeff takes it, examines in the dull light and shakes his head. Jimmy shrugs, pulls his wrist closer, hot wet tongue leaves shining line on Jeff's palm. Jimmy leans back.

They are stucked. An hour ago their car just broke down, they need some special spare parts to fix it. Jeff tried to help, but hysterical Keith isn't the best company, so they just call an serviceman and split around the city. Basically it's too small, nothing to look at, so Jimmy just picks up their clothes. Keith almost lost his shit, Jimmy melancholically answers, 'Last time this clunker didn't even start at all, it must take lots of time. If not just call us'

Now they're alone in laundromat. The drum spinning hypnotizes and makes Jeff sleepy, he leans on Jimmy's shoulder. Jimmy perplexedly fingers over his hair, blows in his ear. Jeff pushes him with elbow, picks up pack of chewing gums and shares it with Jimmy. Jimmy winces at the taste of menthol, Jeff makes bubbles.

'Hey, teach me'

While they are learning the drum stops. Jimmy blows perfect bubble, that pops and covers his lips with gum scraps, stands up to switch off the washing machine. Jeff helps him to store clothes in travel bag they took. Jimmy still has wide pupils when he brings his face closer, mouth smells mint. Jimmy sways on his tiptoes, presses his lips over Jeff's, his tongue pushes gum shaped as ball to his mouth, Jimmy pulls away.

'Screw you, Jim, it's just nasty'

'I'm tired of chewing it and it lost the taste'

Jimmy vigorously heads to the exit, Jeff takes their bag and follows. He hopes that car problems are solved and they can drive, anyway doesn't look like they're getting any sleep. 


	10. Patch

Jimmy tried to spray his perfectly stylized hair, but sprays Jeff's face.

'Fuck it', they all are on edge before this concert, tour just started, however they are already exhausted, so Jeff doesn't feel need to cut off, 'Watch fucking out, okay?'

Jimmy just puffs angrily, restraining gibes. But he comes off to the full on stage, mercilessly riding him through their new stuff, forcing him to play better, louder, juicier to displease of others. Jimmy steps on the edge of stage in a half turn, sending Jeff his smirk and loud guitar squeals. Jeff replies with reverberating roaring riffs. Jimmy dances around him, predator on hunt, and Jeff attacks him with sharp raw solo, then Jimmy gets a bow, makes his instrument moan shamelessly like woman in the bed. Jimmy throws back his head, bits lower lip and Jeff buys it like an idiot, misses out the strings and, to hasty, cuts his finger. He swears under his breath, but somehow plays till the end. No one cares about his problems, if you're on stage play like if it's your last. Jimmy notices that he injured Jeff and didn't slow down, insolent, egotistic, heated, showing off, he stumbles on the cord, a second more and this pretty nose will meet with dirty concrete floor, Jeff manages to catch him with one hand. 

'You've really done it', he whispers gloatingly.

After the gig Jeff cools down on the porch, nervously smoking. Jimmy sits next to him, gigantic joint in his hands, really, Jeff has never seen so big one. They share it in the silence of the night. Jimmy puts hand on his palm, scratches the patch's sides.

'Stop'

Jimmy picks it open and takes patch off, examines shallow wound. The same smug smile appears on his lips.

'Because you were starring'

'Go fuck yourself'

'I'll'

Jimmy licks crusty cut, hitting the air out of Jeff's lungs, making him forget all these gorgeous proposals about what Jimmy shall do more. Jimmy bites his fingertip.

'See'

'I see that when you're stoned you like to drug dirty fingers in your mouth'

'In this life you understand no more than fucking nothing'


	11. Hello America

  
Jimmy was vomiting like never in his life before. He couldn't even remember what he ate or drunk and understand why did it happen to him, but in last half an hour he couldn't even straighten up for a minute, because every time he did he ended up urging to throw up again. Jimmy cursed tours, America and the band. Jeff stroked his back again, but it felt unpleasant because Jimmy's shirt was soaked in sweat. Jimmy shrugged.

'Don't'

'Feeling better?'

He grimaced. He wouldn't say so, yet comparing to how it was before, yes, definitely. Jeff didn't leave him for a minute, offering him water or holding his hair. Swaying, Jimmy hardly stood up, leaned on his arm.

'Let's go, you've got the keys, right?'

'I thought you took them'

Jimmy mechanically searched through jeans pocket, his fingers felt emptiness. He realized it must be in his shirt, searched in there and still nothing. Conjecture hit him.

'Fuck'

Jeff glanced at him, half-worried, half-inquiringly. Jimmy in his turn glanced at the toilet bowl.

'I think it dropped out while I...', he waved his hand at the direction of something that once was inside his stomach.

'You're kidding, aren't you? Jimmy, holy shit, can you explain me what kind of retard will put keys in bloody shirt pocket?'

'Sorry'

They both stared at the depth of faience friend, thoughts lazily rolling in Jimmy's head. Fucking America, fucking tour.

'No', Jeff said, 'Fuck it, we'll just pay fine, that's it'

Jimmy nodded in agreement, somehow they made it out of the stuffy club to meet delightful smells of cat pee, cheap fast food, weed and drunk screams from the opened window. Jimmy thought that he's done with touring


	12. Honey bee

Jimmy buzzes like a bee when they're recording, giving orders, setting controls and stings like a bee when Robert's making mistakes. It hurts, it’s swollen, but Robert just swallows offense, cools down his bites and gets back to work. It has to be done. Recording is so messy and spontaneous that Robert often confuses lyrics and gets scolded, when they get out of another studio he cannot understand if it’s day or night, but he has to satisfy Jimmy.

Waiting for guitar break to finish, Robert rises his head to notice Jimmy’s grin. They are separated with glass wall of vocal cabin and Robert couldn’t hear him, but he can imagine his chuckle. Robert has no idea what’s so funny, Jimmy doesn’t stop him so it shall be okay to go on. He closes his eyes, tries to revive Maureen’s smile. Doesn’t work. He sees Jimmy instead. His brains must be broken as most of the furniture in this old dusty studio. Robert sings with feeling of bitterness, he made this song about Maureen and to Maureen, it doesn’t belong to Jimmy. There supposed to be at least something that Jimmy didn’t steal away from him.

Jimmy is like a bee. He flies from one flower to another, collecting the nectar from rosie-girls to drop honey into Robert's mouth. Robert drinks gratefully. Robert worries what's going to happen when he runs out of his magic flower dust, because he cannot stop being attracted to Jimmy. To how Jimmy will work him out leaving him with taste of sweetness on his tongue, sour in his soul.

Jimmy works his ass off and then he gets to sleep back to his hive he protects carefully. No one is allowed in, Jimmy values his privacy. There might be some petals on his pillow, but flowers are out, napping, pressing their pretty heads together, waiting for morning to get picked by firm merciless hand. Maybe they shall switch their shampoo to anything not floral, like citrus, so they can stop beckoning Jimmy.

When they settle for breakfast Jimmy picks up a piece of honeycomb and examines it. 'So interesting', he says, 'Bees have been working on it for so long, die for it and yet humans just take it to destroy and consume’. He squeezes cells between his thumb and forefinger and honey drops, runs down his palm, golden and viscous, just like Robert himself after Jimmy. Robert wants to lick it up, harvest it with his tongue, but he can't. They're not alone. Robert waits patiently until Jimmy flies to him to devour him and fill him up again.


	13. Wing Wing

Jimmy stands frozen like a statue. Big blue butterfly sits on his shoulder, delicate, graceful and exotic just like Jimmy himself. Jeff reaches to catch it, Jimmy snaps his wrist up.

'Don't'

It's first thing he says today. Jeff shrugs.

'As you say'

'Their wings have scales, if you pick them up you strip it off and they might have problems flying'

Like loads of drugs, booze and bad coincidences stripped Jimmy off his confidence, vigor and will to live. He lost his wings. He stands there, surrounded by his butterflies he collected from everywhere, his last whim before he unlearned to wish anything, but new line of angel dust. Butterflies flitter around, but Jimmy doesn't notice. He's gone. His exhausted weak body is here, his mind is tripping somewhere too far to reach.

Jeff gently shakes him, looks in his face to check the reaction. Their kiss is like dead moth, lightweight and spiritless. If it was years ago Jimmy would probably push him away or laugh it off or probably get angry. Now nothing happens. Jimmy's eyelashes sleepily flutter, Jeff can see his own reflection in emerald eyes.

They walk around, hand in hand, Jeff's leading. If he doesn't pull Jimmy forward, he will stay locked in the tower till the end of time. They circle the garden again and again, doesn't matter where they go, they just need to move, to shake old memories down like trees rid of old leaves before spring comes.

It is too late when Jeff sees dead insect on the ground. It lays there helplessly, reminding of dry ejected flower. Jimmy sits down and whispers, 'Oh, no'. His face is full of sadness like if it's the biggest grief in his life. Jeff doesn't know how to console him, he sits beside. Jimmy mildly presses the wing with his forefinger, examines dust left on the tip, rubs it with thumb.

'Don't you tell me not to touch it?'

'Doesn't matter anymore, it's dead'

Jeff caresses the wing too, it feels so smooth and velvety. Powder sets on his digits and Jeff takes Jimmy's hand, rubs it into soft warm palm. Jimmy twitches and says, 'Ticklish' 

'Do you think it can make you fly?' 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm very curious about the rumors that Jimmy was into butterflies in early 80s. Can anybody confirm or deny this info?


	14. Seaside story

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, that's Zeppelin fluff 💕

Jimmy wakes up not at home.

He can see the bright light even through closed eyelids. For a while he lies like this wondering if he should get more sleep, then finally he opens his eyes to meet the blue ones opposite.

'Hey', Robert says hoarsely. He smiles, they don't have any particular reason to be happy but Jimmy cannot resist stretching his lips in reply.

'Hey' 

'Did you sleep well?'

Jimmy groans sitting up. His whole body is aching, spending night in the van wasn't the best idea. The floor is covered with empty bottles, yesterday they got too drunk to come back home. He glances around searching for cigarette pack, Robert offers him lighter and opens the window. Salty sea breeze breaks in, Jimmy squints. Robert tastes salty as well, Jimmy recalls that from the last night when they were kissing a lot, thinking about it is a little confusing but Jimmy likes to be with him. He doesn't know why or what are they gonna do, he just feels calm now.

'Horrible, we should have thrown some pillows here, my every bone hurts'

'Shall I risk and get to swim?'

'No way, Hampshire is in three days'

Robert steals cigarette from him, stretches his legs. His head is on Jimmy's lap.

'If I look like this from below I can see your nostrils'

Jimmy pushes his shoulder. They are on the road from last year but even having four free days between the gigs they rush to sea. It makes no sense, they were just drawn to the water the same way that they were drawn to each other. Despite everything Jimmy feels rested as never.

'I have to wash my face and eat, let's go find some place'

Robert sits up leaning on him. For a moment they are so close that Jimmy thinks they're going to kiss yet it doesn't happen. He feels relieved and disappointed. 

'Your lips are cracked, we shall get something from the pharmacy', Robert says instead tracing the line of his mouth with thumb.


	15. Gasoline

A rainbow puddle mixes with muddy water on the chipped asphalt to evaporate in no time. It's the first gas station they had on their way. Jimmy feels dirty, not because they were doing dirty things in this jeep but because sun burns mercilessly and his clothes is soaked in sweat. Sweat is everywhere on his back where shirt sticks to skin, on armpits, on the inner thighs. He can still feel another's taste on his lips washing it down with disgusting warm coke.

Robert wipes his forehead, counts money to pay for gasoline. Even bills are creased and sweaty. Before getting back to driver's seat he unscrews the cap and pours water from the bottle on himself. Wet hair sticks to neck, Robert snorts.

There is no much difference if the window is opened or closed, Jimmy hardly feels the breeze moving his hair full of sand. Sand is everywhere, in his shoes, eyes, teeth and throat. Jimmy convinces himself that it is the reason why it's so sore, not because of Robert.


	16. Screw driver

'Gimme that wrench number seventeen', Jeff asks. Jimmy raises one eyebrow, the trick Jeff could never repeat no matter how hard he tries. 

'What?'

Jeff sighs, wipes his hands. Jimmy sits on the table in his garage sipping screwdrivers. And he's not bothered going upstairs several times each hour to get more vodka, juice and ice. He drinks more than any human can but it doesn't make him drunk. Jeff knows it's alcoholism but what can he say? Jimmy's a big boy, he will sort it out himself. 

Jeff reaches for the wrench he needs but changes his mind and puts his hands around Jimmy instead. He desperately wants to protect him and he doesn't know how, that's why Jeff just goes for his lips. Jimmy sticks his knees between them.

'What's up?', he laughs, 'What's this?'

'Nothing'

Jeff just feels like an idiot. At this age you're supposed to have a family, wife and be surrounded with kids, not fall in love with your friend, especially with male one. Especially with alcoholic.

Jimmy comes to him and sits silently for hours, he's so clean and tidy among all this garage mess, spilled motor oil, dust and dirt. But he seems like he's not afraid to get dirty. Sort of dirt doesn't stick to dirt. Jimmy spreads his legs around Jeff's waist, breathes in his face. 

'Do you want me to bring you something?', he says.

His mouth smells orange juice, eyes are like gooseberries. Jeff read somewhere that this colour is the most rare. He really cannot remember if anyone else he knows has green eyes or maybe he just didn't pay attention because they are not Jimmy. He cannot even remember his ex-girlfriends eyes, but he remembers these, others, half-blind due to dilated pupils, looking into another reality that Jeff's unable to see.

'No'

Jimmy sucks cube of ice, rolls it with tongue. Jeff can feel because their mouths are connected. His tongue is cold, as cold as if he was dead, unpleasant, Jeff turns away.

'I'll get upstairs'

'Sure'

Jeff looks at his back, peers through slightly opened door to see light shoes disappearing on the stairs. It's getting very quiet. Jeff feels uneasy, suddenly scared that Jimmy won't come back, he will melt away. He counts seconds. When it's over three hundred Jimmy gets back holding the glass and Jeff's relieved. 


	17. Chainsmokers die young

Jimmy's smoking like a pipe. 

He started too sudden, before he went with joints and scolded Robert that his new washed clothes is going to smell. Now he doesn't care. He's more of a Marlboro pack himself. He's never seen without new cigarette hanging down from the corner of these grinning lips. He even smokes in the shower Robert saw it.

Sharp smoke hurts his eyes, Robert grimaces. Jimmy stretches his arm to distinguish the butt luckily he's getting into the ashtray. He doesn't even look, all attention to Robert who's laying down under him and Robert worries if he will burn the sheets. Jimmy sways his hips a little, not enough to get off but enough to keep it hard. Robert's about to touch himself because it's impossible to wait so long. He has to wait all the time. There is always someone around, their crew grows in numbers as their needs grow too. That's why they find possibility to stay alone very seldom. Jimmy slaps his hand. 

'Not now, I'll do it myself'

'Oh really? I though you fall asleep', Robert doesn't try to cover disappointment. Jimmy bents over, bites his Adam apple. Hurts.

He reaches for the new cigarette, takes a drag. So used to it so much that it doesn't interrupt the lazy rhythm. 

'Are we gonna fuck or no?'

'Yes'

Filter burns, Jimmy presses his lips together. He rocks faster into Robert, yet not fast enough. The smoke gets out of his nose, Jimmy moves his head to get rid of the bangs in his eyes. It's annoyingly cool even if Robert would like him to concentrate on one thing at once. Jimmy lifts his leg, puts it up his shoulder, hand on his throat, squeezing harder and harder. Dangerous but Robert's not afraid. Jimmy knows exactly when to stop. Oxygen leftovers get out of him with gasp, he's suffocating, dizzy and can only feel deep hip thrusts, other senses are dull. Ashes drop somewhere from above covering his chest, face, abdomen, getting into opened mouth. His eyes become wet and Jimmy blows his nostrils, lets out new portion of fume. A dragon, that's what he is. And Robert is his golden treasure in the cave.

Jimmy unclenches his fingers. Robert coughs. Ashes mix with saliva, he swallows without complain as he usually does. Jimmy's nails scratch his throat, he moves fast and impatiently, other hand is on Robert's cock. When he falls apart and moans cigarette almost drops. Cinder falls down from the filter, burnt to the end, sticks to his sweaty chest between dark hairs. Orgasm is inevitable. Scorches. 

'And still', Robert says after he took a breath, 'You almost burned us to the ground'

'But it didn't happen'

Jimmy clicks the butt on the floor. Somebody's going to clean it anyway. He goes to the bathroom, Roberts knows that he can join but he leaves himself a minute to decide. 

They're playing with fire so far.


	18. Presence

'Would you be able to sing?'

The first thing Jimmy ever asked him. Robert looked at him in disbelief but Jimmy was serious as fuck.

'How can injuried legs influence my voice?'

'Dunno. Anything can, no?'

Robert squinted for a moment. Not because of physical pain but because he felt tears coming, burning his aching swollen eyes. He didn't sleep for he didn't know how long, too busy, concerned about Maureen and the kids, getting help himself, traveling here and there just to make it work. It was when he realized neither fame nor money could buy lives. And now this.

He was half lying on the hospital bed, his legs placed in plaster and hurting and itchying as if army of ants ran up and down. And there was Jimmy, fresh and sober. And cold. He quickly walked in, white hospital rob hanging down his shoulders, he didn't even take a sit like as he wasn't going to stay any longer than needed to interrogate Robert, bombard him with questions he didn't know how to answer at.

'Look it has nothing to do with vocal cords. It's just my legs...', he paused, not sure if doctor told Jimmy.

'But you cannot walk and gods only know if you will'

Robert grimaced. 

'Thank you for your optimistic support'

Jimmy sighed angrily and started to circle the room, wrinkle between his eyebrows, hands folded on his chest in a manner that made Robert feel blame. Like if he made Jimmy protect himself from Robert's problems. 

'The tour's closed, the album's delayed, we don't know if you'll be able to walk', Jimmy murmured more to himself, 'Splendid'

Robert felt sore. He even had to cough a little to clean his throat from painful spasm, 'You know it's not my fault. I didn't plan it. And I think I deserve some sympathy, don't I?'

'Ask your nurse while she's wiping your ass', Jimmy spat and pushed the door. Robert thought it was a fucking joke, just a splash of frustration. He waited for Jimmy to come back but Jimmy didn't show up this day. And next. And the whole week.

Sitting on his hospital bed tied up to his injured legs and unable to entertain himself Robert kept thinking about him and Jimmy and the more he thought the more disappointed he felt.


	19. 24 Hours

Robert wants to break all the clocks, cut off all the phone wires and claim that he lost the key. Hide under the blanket, pretend they are not here.

Minute hand mercilessly counts off the moments of his happiness. It's getting brighter behind the window. Robert loves sun and mornings but not now when Jimmy naps near him, pressing naked hip against his leg. Robert doesn't want any tour, roadies or anybody else around.

The phone rings. Dangerous thought to pick up, say thank you and pretend this never happens comes to his head. He won't dare Jimmy's gonna be furious. 

The girl politely reminds him about the time and breakfast served in hotel hall from seven to nine. Robert thanks her. Five minutes, just five more minutes. He carefully slips back under the blanket, watchs Jimmy while his face is still peaceful, before usual frown will appear there and Jimmy will make himself busy with everyday rush. Even in his sleep Jimmy feels something's wrong because he starts to roll, turns on the side.

'Did someone call?'

Robert swallows hard.

'Yes. Time to get up'

'Oh, morning came so fast'

Yes, too fast. Robert watches him getting ready, searching for towel, jeans. He, terrified, waits for this moment when Jimmy's going to leave and they will have to pretend nothing happened. And Robert will torture himself doubting if it was real.

Jimmy fixes his shirt.

'Wake up, please, you'll miss the breakfast. We have to go'

He leaves without looking back and Robert sees bad signs everywhere. Can Jimmy be angry at him? Or Robert bored him and this is why Jimmy doesn't show any tenderness?

Robert scolds himself. He was dazed for too long, no time for it. Jimmy never was too emotional so why would he be now? It's Robert who went crazy about him and Jimmy doesn't have time for silly things, he has work to do. Yes, they do have responsibilities, in twenty four hours they have to get sleep, arrive to the next place in their list, tune and rehearsal, play gig like it's their last and then repeat again and again. There is no time for tenderness, they can hardly find a minute grab some food in between. At least they were into it together, working side by side, having each other's back.

And still twenty four hours is not enough for Robert to enjoy proximity with Jimmy


	20. Nineteen seventy sixtish

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another smoking sex fetish

'I dare you think I can't '

Jimmy's hand with cagarette is placed on his cock, thumb rubs the tip. Jimmy's always neat but he pays extra attention to his nails and hair, gaze sticks to this particular detail – carefully trimmed polished nail, slightly yellowish at the end.

'Can't stop smoking?', Jeff asks still mesmerized by Jimmy's arms. Jimmy chuckles. 

'Can't do it with my mouth'

'Can you?'

'Dare me, if I win you owe me one wish'

Jeff puts hands behind his head. He's half sitting on the sofa and Jimmy's lying across his stomach, swaying his legs in the air, palm under his cheeck, looking like he sees something really interesting instead of other man's cock.

'I dare you then'

Jimmy take a drag without moving hand to his lips. Instead he moves his head, so close that Jeff feels his breath before Jimmy inxales deeply making paper scortch at the corners. Jeff observes. Jimmy's half side to him, he bends to shake ashes off into the ashtray on the floor and then just goes for it. His lips fold in the shape of ideal "O" and circle the head. To be true Jeff didn't expect it.

Jimmy turns to him and winks with triumphant face expression.

'Do you like it?'

'I do'

Jimmy moves aside. Deep drag, smoke gets out through his nostrils as he starts to go deeper. Jimmy still holds the base with his hand, fume gets in his eyes, aches and he squints. Jeff feels his curious tongue exploring around. 

'Holy fuck'

'Like that?'

He chuckles again, busy with his cigarette, leaving Jeff on the peak of sexual dissatisfaction. Jeff wants to joke about what Jimmy shall smoke but instead he grabs hair on the back of his head and pulled him closer. Jimmy doesn't mind. His mouth moves up and down Jeff's shaft, he's not good at blowing someone but Jeff wants to get it from him, not from another girl no matter how experienced she is. He plays with black locks, twists them around his finger while Jimmy's busy studying his body, at least one particular part of it. Then Jimmy puts his free hand on his cock and starts stroking slowly, clumsy, imitating how his girlfriends used to do it for him. Jeff moves his hair behind the ear.

It's their small secret that became one big problem. Jeff's fine with making out and stuff like this but now it's different. Jimmy crosses all the lines and everything's twisted. Jeff doesn't even want to think. 

'Wanna get off?'

'Yes'

'Help me, I don't know how', Jimmy takes his hand.

'Do you really want it?'

'Yes'

Jeff places one hand on his own cock, another one lifts Jimmy's chin. Green eyes shine feverishly.

'Look at me'

Nod. Jeff helps himself while Jimmy's busy with the tip, wet lips touch his palm. Jeff wouldn't be able to count how many times he received blow jobs but somehow he never did it this way. Jimmy lazily flips the ashes, Jeff thinks about if he can last before the fag will burn down. Jimmy is kind of reading his mind because he pauses to go for the next one.

Empirically they find out that you can climax in two and a half. Jimmy makes a sound of surprise because Jeff does not have time to warn him when he's gonna cum in his mouth. Some gets on his face as well.

'Sorry'

'It's fine'

Jimmy wipes his face with sleeve still holding cigarette between his teeth. Jeff confiscates it and makes a drag because he needs it. Jimmy looks up with half smile. 

'Doesn't it bother you? Not at all?'

'I was curious'

'All right', Jeff pats his head, 'What's your wish?'

Jimmy's smile becomes wider, he sits up and starts to undo his belt. 

'Now your turn'

Jeff pulls him closer, mixes their saliva tasting like cum and smoke. Why would he worry if it's okay for Jimmy? Jimmy's not rumor type, no one will know.

'Come here, let's see how long can you last' 


	21. Mint

'Would you look after Scarlet for a while?'

Jeff might have confused face expression because Jimmy continued, 'I need to smoke. Don't want her to see and pick up my bad habits'

It was something new. Ridiculous because he strongly smelled cigarettes. Jeff noded. 

'Hey, sweetie, want to see something?'

'Okay' 

Jeff took her upstairs. Anetta's cat recently gave birth so he showed her bunch of kittens. Clumsy balls of furr with bellies full of milk. Scarlet happily grabbed one, placed him on her knees to cuddle while kitten tried to sniff her. 

They hanged out at his sister's place, one of the sunny warm days that happened so seldom in England. Good for barbeque in the garden even Jimmy couldn't really eat. Jimmy hesitated to go he didn't like to show up anymore and less of all he wanted to make a fuss around Annetta's friends but Charlotte convinced him to do it and he couldn't say no to his only daughter. Jeff knew him well and he wasn't sure if Jimmy truly loved anybody or anything except his music. Seeing him with Scarlet made Jeff change his mind, at least he learned new thing about Jimmy. 

Jimmy returned holding Rosie, their neighbor's baby. The girl had red eyes, her knee was bleeding and a little swollen. 

'Don't cry, dear, it's just a small scratch. See, it's not that bad, isn't it?', Jimmy talked to her in his small soft voice Jeff knew already, however he had never heard such an intonation. Jimmy looked at him, 'Where is first aid kit or something?'

His voice was back to normal. 

'Let's go'

'I want to help', Scarlet volunteered with pouty face expression that clearly said she was jealous he daddy gave so much attention to another girl. She rushed before they could leave without her, clinged to Jimmy's jeans. Jimmy made one hand free to grab her small palm. He looked so calm, so comfy surrounded with kids and Jeff founded out he was surprisingly good playing a role of carrying parent. Jeff pulled out the kit and let Scarlet grab sanitizer for him. Jimmy kept talking to Rosie and Jeff worked on her wound. With everyone busy around Rosie Jeff raised his eyes to glance at Jimmy. They were standing close, very close, he could smell Jimmy's parfume and mint. Funny, did he really hope to conceal the smell of smoke with chewing gums? Naive lovely domestic Jimmy. Placing patch on girl's knee Jeff accidentally touched the edge of Jimmy's sweater and Jimmy looked up at him. Jeff would pay a good amount of money to uncover what thought ran through his head because Jimmy quickly lowered his eyes. 

'See, you're fine. Who's a good girl?'

'Now can I walk?'

'You can'

Jimmy put her down, Rosie standed on her chubby baby legs but feeling steady she happily ran to the door. 

'Careful or you'll fall down again', Scarlet scolded like an adult and Jimmy smirked. Jeff pulled his sleeve as he was about to get out of the bathroom. 

'What?'

'Getting nervous around me now?', Jeff placed hand on his neck, touched under the sweater too. Jimmy's nose wrinkled. 

'Don't, even walls have eyes'

'I know', Jeff's fingers traveled around Adam apple up to the chin. He could feel slight stubble there, nothing that woman would have. Last time they had sex Jimmy didn't shave, Jeff recalled this feeling when short rough hairs stung his abdomen.

'Oh my gosh, Rosie, baby, are you all right?'

They twitched. Jeff removed his hand and Jimmy walked away. 

Everyone got slightly drunk. Great excuse to slip into the basement at night while adults were sleeping. Jimmy was still wearing the same sweater, Jeff pulled it up. He could see Jimmy's shoulderblades moving as Jimmy clung to the bookshelve and arched his back giving his hips into the crazy dance they created together thrusting into each other. 

'Pull it out don't forget'

Jeff slipped his hand down Jimmy's stomach. Soft gasp. His other hand covered Jimmy's mouth, warm wet lips pressed into his skin, Jimmy bit him and was bitting harder and harder while Jeff was pulling him closer so their bodies could connect from the outside too. The air smelled dust, Jimmy's shampoo, booze and mint. And his cum. The room was filled with sounds of their copulation untill Jimmy dropped the book.

'Easy'

'C'mon, your turn'

'Show me where shall I cum?'

Jimmy pulled up his clothes, higher, pointed at spot on his back just small dimple between his hip bones. Nice one. His semen looked like liquid pears, it suited Jimmy's milky skin just fine.

Jeff helped him to clean and they smoked hidden like two horny teens lusting for each other but scared of being caught. Exept that they weren't but Jimmy had a family, reputation, career and by the way they were in Jeff's sister's house full of guests. And it wasn't desire it was despair.

'Feeling better?'

'Maybe'

They returned to the hall and there was Scarlet almost crying hugging her toy rabbit. 

'Why are you up, dear?'

'I had a bad dream and I wanted you to tell me fairytale but you weren't there. Where have you being?'

'We took a walk'

She had tears in her eyes.

'Please don't, don't go in the dark. They would steal you away'

Jimmy took her hand and let Scarlet steal him instead. Jeff stand alone in the dark room and watched how Jimmy-lover vanished letting Jimmy-father take his place. Taste of mint was still on his lips.


	22. Crystallines

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soul mating 🌕🌑
> 
> Based on Bjork's Crystalline and Joga

Crystals grow like plants under their feet and above their heads. It's so silent Robert thinks he can actually hear how they grow.

They are in the core of the caves. Peaceful, unavailable to the rest of the world, lost.

Robert won't mind to get lost with Jimmy to find his own path, his true self. Jimmy showed it to him and only after Jimmy Robert realized how he was sleeping all these years, waiting for Jimmy to come and kiss him and awaken him from his twenty seven years long slumber, just like in the fairytale. Robert must have cut his finger with spindle but Jimmy came to suck the venom out of his blood.

Coincidences led them to where they are but Robert knows that they make sence only with Jimmy.

Emotional landscapes formed between them, grow where they touch, connecting to create something more. How amazing Robert thinks it was just him and Jimmy, two separate human beings, and now they are meant to become one. Mix together, form something else, something more, something bigger. Melt into each other. 

Crystals light their path. Jimmy silently takes his hand and Robert immediately feels galaxies growing between their fingers. He wants to tell Jimmy how he feels but there are no words. And they aren't needed. Jimmy knows. His touches get straight to Robert's heart to heal everything that was hurting, water his deserts, feed his starvation, bring light to his darkness.

Robert is lost but not in the cave's junction, in Jimmy. The seeds they dropped in the soil of their relations four years ago in Wales finally grew into beautiful crystals here, in the land of caves and sands.


	23. Plastic

They got back from the party, exhausted, stoned and numb from plastic beats playing all loud, amount of falsely nice people who wanted no more than a piece of their fame or money and all these vulgar girls willing to get into their pants. Jimmy would easily give them a ride on his cock but he was disgusted with shameless way they behaved. However Robert wasn't. Jimmy had to force him to the limo because today he wanted it for himself, no louts gonna put their dirty hands on this man tonight. 

Robert was complaining all the way. Jimmy sat silent, he wasn't going to explain anything especially in front of the driver and guards. He owed no explanation to Robert.

Girls surrounded the hotel, hung down the railing, watching off how they dissapeared inside wanting none of them. At least as for Jimmy, Robert was staring all the way. Idiotic, they were huge for years, he could have the whole room full of classy models for himself only but he would cling to some tastelessly dressed whore. Jimmy couldn't understand it. Probably they reminded him of his home village if only girls there were the same low-minded.

He had to push Robert in elevator. He planned something else for them tonight but Robert was so annoying that Jimmy lost the mood. Maybe just a good quick shag, as a punishment. 

Still Jimmy wanted him. He opened the door of his hotel room inviting Robert inside. Robert walked in the darkness taking off his wet blouse throwing it somewhere. Tomorrow he would be definitely searching for it the whole morning. Not Jimmy's problem anyway.

'What got into you today?', Robert whined. Jimmy pressed him to the wall, his hands caressed wide shoulders, moved down, feeling hard chest muscles, squeezing, digging his nails inside the soft skin. Robert pulled away but there was the wall, he didn't have space to escape Jimmy's touches. Fine, he would overcome it. He always did, he knew Jimmy's style and preferences. Jimmy wasn't going to stop, instead he bit, making sure it was hard enough to ache. 

'Jimmy'

Jimmy undid his zipper. Hand reached for soft flesh, rubbing and stroking. Robert sniffed but didn't make a single movement in response. Neither his dick. Jimmy frowned, it wasn't reception he counted on. Usually Robert was losing almost immediately, maybe he should blame all the booze. Jimmy kept touching him waiting for reaction that didn't follow. Was he supposed to go for more?

Jimmy wasn't keen of blow jobs however he still wanted to fuck tonight and he didn't like his partners cold. He slid down, spat into his palm and tried to fondle. Robert made a groan that had nothing to do with sexual desire.

'Hurt'

Jimmy felt like a retard, sitting there with lifeless cock in his hand and clearly uninterested Robert. He slowly raised watching the other's face.

'I'm tired, maybe we can at least go to bed?', Robert said apologetically but there was something unnatural in his tone. Something that made Jimmy feel like if he saw a beautiful flower and when he reached for it it appeared to be artificial, plastic. Or like eating fruits from supermarket that look so pretty and full of colour yet tend to taste nothing. 

Jimmy swore in his mind and pulled away. Robert dropped on the bed, Jimmy's bed, and suddenly Jimmy didn't want to be here anymore pretending that everything was fine. His earlier desire wanished. Robert rolled on the sheets stretched hand in his direction. 

'Wanna come here?'

Jimmy didn't want and didn't know why he moved anyway letting Robert grab his lapels and drag him closer. Everything went so wrong tonight and when Robert touched his hair and kissed their kiss tasted like plastic making Jimmy scunner.


	24. Wandering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by Hako Yamasaki's Wandering and Jimmy's adventures in London metro in early 80s.

He was wandering. No path, no home, no intention, no clues. The city he used to know very well seemed unfamiliar. He didn't recognize the faces around.

Sky felt heavy, loaded with lead, it was about to fall on his head, smash him to the ground. He was walking around the people who looked more like shadows. Or maybe he was a shadow himself that was why nobody noticed him?

He couldn't feel his own body. Too lightweight, thinned, wore out. Empty. Nothing inside, just a black hole that eagerly sucked in everything surrounded him. Human voices, city sounds, lights, colours. But he remained insipid.

He couldn't feel his own presence. 

Everyone seemed stranger to him. There was no way they could achieve mutual understanding, he was isolated behind invisible wall and no tools to break it.

He tried to peer into the faces but they merged into one big blur. He passed by, unseen, unnamed. The blood-red sun watched him from above and it was so intimidating that he wanted to scream for help but he didn't have voice. He needed to hide, find a shelter but didn't know which way to go. Confused he quickened his steps yet streets all looked the same, they mixed into a maze without exit. 

He saw a man in the uniform. The man looked at him suspiciously. 'Hey, are you lost? Need help?', the man asked. He pulled away. If he answered he knew he would die.

Stairs took him underground, to the core. Loud noises made him half deaf, yet at least there was nothing to fear inside. Just artificial lights hanging from the ceiling, like millions of suns which couldn't burn, couldn't harm.

He wandered around but there was nowhere to go. His path ended there, this was the end, he would stay in this dark hidden hole till the end of his days and no one would discover his body.

Jimmy slid down the wall and hugged himself, helpless and hopeless. 


	25. Frame

'Smile', Robert says and clicks the button. Camera makes rusty sound and spits a picture that makes Robert giggle. 

'Very funny', Jimmy mutters with brush in his mouth. He turns away to wipe toothpaste from his chin.

'Wanna see?'

'Thanks but no'

'I'll keep it'

They travel a lot and Robert never stops clicking, taking photos with speed of lightning. Jimmy suggests him to save some space yet Robert is too excited. 

Many years after Jimmy wonders if Robert still has this picture of him kept somewhere in the basement, maybe in the old box full of insignificant stuff that once was valued in his past. The picture became past for Robert just as Jimmy himself. 


	26. Marble

Jimmy was never an ordinary one. Robert learned ot from the first day they met, his manner of speaking, his carefully fit clothes, his hair styled in perfect curls, everything screamed how exceptional Jimmy was. Kind of a queer. 

After first tour Robert learned some of his sexual habits that appeared to be rather weird too at first but became a part of his own routine later.

Still he wasn't that weird.

There was a statue. Naked woman, pale-white made of cool marble. Her hair were loose and half covering her naked marble chest, nipples hard, forever in that ready to go stage. Inanimate face frozen in expression of light angst. Robert never understood much of arts but it was a beautiful work indeed, masterpiece. They examined it together, Jimmy slightly stroke marble with the tips of his fingers, Robert touched it too receiving pleasantly cool sensation. But Robert wouldn't be himself if he didn't joke around, making a face at woman's naked upper body and pretending as if he was trying to grab her breasts. Jimmy shook his head in disapproval. 

Robert soon lost interest. They were wandering from one sculpture to another for hours, no matter how beautiful these works were Robert preferred to hang out with someone made of flesh and able to talk. He was pacing around, bored, when he turned back he accidentally saw what Jimmy was up to. Jimmy stood on his tiptoes, tilting his head, long hair down his shoulder blades, eyes closed in deligt. His lips moved closer to the marble ones and Jimmy left soft kiss on the statue before stepping back. There was so much pleasure on his face, more than when he was sucked off by two groupies backstage. Robert went jealous. He silently approached him from behind, putting his hands on slender shoulders. Jimmy twitched. 

'What's that? I see you like this chick'

Jimmy gave him shy smile and turned away to Robert's displease. He would like to watch his face and get the answer but instead Jimmy just said, 'It's late, we haven't earen anything. Where shall we have dinner tonight?'

'You decide', Robert replied a little coldly, disappointed. Jimmy gave him apologetic smile and walked out of the hall. Before following him Robert looked back at the statue. He got creppy feeling of motionless eyes spying on him but shook it down. It was just marble after all. 


	27. Chasing the dragon

Jeff steps in the storage room after him.

'Can I take a look?'

'At what?', Jimmy says impatiently. He was nervous the whole day and he knows tomorrow it will be worse. He just needed to go there and make sure everything's all right with his guitars and other equipment. 

'My old Tele. Don't you still keep it?'

'I did before some idiot spoiled the body and I had to rip off the neck. Here'

Jeff picks it up, hands slip down the wood, touch it gently as a lover making Jimmy feel too uncomfortably intimate. 

'What a shame, it was a beautiful instrument. And a beautiful painting you made'

Jimmy places his palm on the deck too, caresses it untill their hands meet. He feels warmth but he's not sure if it's from the wood or skin. 

'It's gonna be all right'

Jimmy makes a nervous laught and shakes his head. Jeff doesn't know how fucked up he is and Jimmy doesn't feel like opening up. 

'You can count on me', Jeff says placing hand on Jimmy's waist and Jimmy knows he cannot take it anymore. He pulls away and walks out faster than Jeff will catch him up, gone like wind leaving him alone in the dark room. 


	28. Trust

They don't do it too often but when they do Jimmy knows it's not just about sex.

He trusts Jeff a lot, enough to let him in between his legs, enough to strip off in front of him knowing how pathetic his thinned body looks. 

It's not about exchanging liquids, saliva or semen or tears. It's all about trust. Not just their bodies connected but their minds. 

When Jeff tells him how he needs him he means it. Jimmy never can reach that level of long mutual understanding with anyone, he's too queer and quiet, hiding emotions deep down inside and releasing them as he climaxes in Jeff's bed pressed into the mattress under his warm slippery body.

Jeff keeps pounding in his soul not just in his body. It's all right, there is nothing wrong. Jimmy wouldn't do it with any other man. He never feels so powerful as when he's on his knees in front of his friend getting him off, he never feels so beautiful and wanted. 

He puts his hands around Jeff while he's shivering, squeezes him with his knees, pets his head and tells it's all right. 

It's all right to feel, it's all right to moan his name, it's all right to collapse in hands of the most important person in your life. They never speak about love because it's not love, Jimmy cannot describe this but he's sure it's not something simple and vulgar as just falling in love. Jeff can read him like an old book you used to read again and again till you're able to open it on any page and tell what's written there by heart. It's a little scary sometimes but nice too.

It's not about gay or straight, masculine or feminine, giving or receiving. It's all about trust Jimmy thinks.


	29. Eclipse

Jeff couldn't sleep last night because of Jimmy fighting with his imaginary beasts. Lions, bears, dragons, they all came to tear him from Jeff's side. Jeff wished he could share his pain and fears with anybody but hurting is taboo. Searching for help is taboo, falling for other man is taboo, sleeping with him is taboo. 

He kept hoping Jimmy would win this time with his help but Jimmy was loosing, falling deeper and deeper until he reached the bottom. Eclipse. Jeff felt nothing the morning after. He was devastated to produce any feelings. 

Jimmy slept on the couch looking peaceful and even beautiful, heavenly. Like if nothing happened like if that night was a dream. Jeff remained sleepless. The image of Jimmy unconsciously babbling about chasing the birds and Jimmy's heartbeat racing under his palm is burnt in Jeff's mind. How many times did he change bed sheets because Jimmy was soaked in sweat and hotter than Lut Desert? Jimmy didn't seem to notice, he was lost in Death Valley, watching Merry Dancers, sipping water from the Dead Sea. Jeff wasn't sure what in particular, he had nothing to do with it but Jimmy's eyes were shining terrifically with greed and rapture. It scared Jeff to death. That moment he wished he wasn't there yet there was no way he could walk out leaving Jimmy for the beasts. They are in this together.

Jimmy's hand hung down from the couch lifelessly, tiny as a baby hand, pale and weak. Jeff felt his anger melting into sorrow. He slipped his palm into Jimmy's, he wanted to become a firm foundation for shaky castle Jimmy was living in, he wanted to hold Jimmy on the ground, here, close to his chest. 

Jimmy barely managed to squeeze his fingers in response. His cracked lips opened but he spoke so low Jeff had to bend over.

'I caught the bird, Jeff, I did', he said and small smile appeared on his face. Jeff thought it was untrue, Jimmy dreamed of it and the bird wasn't even real thing, but he didn't argue, he cuddled Jimmy's hair.

'Of course you did, you've done good, Jim'


	30. Monster

Roberty was madly in love. So madly it was stupefying and loosing this feeling made him angry at Jimmy.

How dared Jimmy ruining everything they had with his lack of care, with his selfishness, with his harsh words?

No, Robert didn't feel used. He felt underappreciated and insignificant at first and after he felt blind rage. Jimmy shouldn't have mess up with his occults, smack and wrong people spreading their web around him. He always viewed Jimmy as mature, responsible one, sort of guiding light in the most desperate times when they got all the shit from everyone. He almost worshiped Jimmy like a God, how wrong he was. Jimmy turned out to be just a human, fragile, addictive and silly. Overconfident till the point it was disgusting. Robert threw all of himself under Jimmy's feet, more like throwing the bones to hungry hounds. They would swallow and howl for more.

He forgave Jimmy for pushing the album and for not attending his son's funerals, after all Jimmy didn't have much chance to appear there. Robert didn't want to get back together yet it happened eventually, of course it would while they were on tour, jailed inside four walls of their luxurious hotel rooms with no much choice of activities. And temptation was still there, darker and harder than before, but it was there if only Jimmy didn't ruin everything. 

When it happened Robert thought he would kill Jimmy right there. After seeing his best mate's body he returned to the dining room where Jimmy just sat calmly, drinking and smoking. Robert couldn't believe his eyes. And he broke down again like it was after Karac, he screamed, he crashed that goddamn table where Jimmy put his glass and he would break Jimmy's pretty nose indeed but Jonesy managed to pull him away. Robert was spitting curses and accusations in Jimmy's face and all Jimmy did was silently raising up and getting to his room. No reply, no emotions, nothing. 

Robert needed lots of time to bring himself to look at Jimmy again. After all they had funerals and Robert wouldn't let himself loose it in such an important event but he was still pissed. Jimmy barely talked to anyone, he wore his sunglasses and smoked like crazy, just picking up the new cigarette right after old one was finished. Robert didn't know how he made himself function, he only remembered that Jimmy left first, smashed the door and Robert wanted to smash him with power of hurricane.

Years after it became clear that no one could do much and they all were adults with their own responsibilities for their lives but from his younger perspective Robert blamed Jimmy for creating big lead monster that consumed the best of them. He blamed Jimmy for becoming that monster while Robert just wanted something beautiful.


	31. Milk

Jeff watches as puff of smoke gracefully flyis around and dissolves between the trees. Kind of stupid to stimulate your cancer while enjoying the nature but he knows Jimmy won't last long without it. Still it's one of his best habits he has more dangerous things he likes. Also it looks stupidly astonishing and creepily sexy, Jimmy holding long slim cigarette in his mouth. It stimulates different feelings and fantasies and Jeff grins.

Jimmy turns to him and grins back, 'I bet I know what are you thinking'

Jeff shrugs. The ground is cool and leaves will stuck to their buts. Not like it matters they can afford billion pairs of new jeans. Jimmy picks up opened pack of baby milk and sucks the straw. Jeff never knew he liked milk and Jimmy explains that he needs extra calcium now because his teeth might fall off. He presents it so easily as if it's not a big deal it makes Jeff uncomfortable. Jimmy's humor sometimes is harsh and Jimmy became harsh himself while Jeff mellowed with age.

'Want some milk?', Jimmy offers. 

'Yes but not like this'

Jeff softly removes his hand with pack and picks up Jimmy's chin. Jimmy smiles into kiss. First Jeff senses his rough lips then he puts finger between them and gently presses making Jimmy open for him. He's welcomed by strange mix of tastes but milk prevails because Jimmy just drank it. Jeff sucks on his tongue like if he wants this milk for real and it's sweeter than anything. The wind throws Jimmy's hair in his face and it's ticklish and soft and lovely, Jimmy's hands are wrapped around his neck and it's all perfect. He almost forgets bad times they shared and Jimmy seems normal again with normal attitude and normal human desires. He almost forgets that Jimmy is poisoned to his bones.


	32. Jasmine

'Do you grow jasmine in your garden?'

'Like jasmine trees? No, why?'

'When I die I want to be burried under the jasmine'

Jeff swears and pulls the comb harder than he intended. Jimmy reaches for his hands to take it away and keeps on combing himself. Wet hair sticks to his narrow back, Jeff has to spread his legs and let Jimmy in between. It is just ridiculous how small are the bathtubs in these fancy hotels. 

'If you tell it again I'll make sure to drown you in the tub myself. Whatever it's getting cold let's get out'

'In a few minutes'

His skin is covered with drops of water. Jeff picks them up with the tip of his tongue making Jimmy shrink and giggle. He knows what they are doing should never get out of these walls but forbidden fruit always tastes the best. That's what they say.

He forced Jimmy to go out, Jimmy's stubborn and more unsociable than ever. He covers himself with so many layers of clothes that his body's shape can be hardly seen under but he's fully naked now as they are alone. He lets Jeff see things even he claims he's going to regret it one day. But he won't. Jeff proved himself to be loyal so many times, Jimmy's worried mind doesn't accept it. To Jeff's surprise he bought a bag of exotic fish anyway and brought them here. They swim trapped inside transparent plastic, just stupid pretty things that Jimmy likes and Jeff doesn't get. Jimmy reaches for the bag to unfold it and pours the water in the bathroom. 

'What do you think you're doing?'

'I want to set them free'

'We're in the tub', Jeff reminds. Fish slip in between their legs, accidentally touching Jeff's toes. Jeff twitches. 'What do you want to do with them?'

'Anything', Jimmy presses him to lay down and slips to the bottom of the tub untill his face is fully hidden under water. He holds his breath but keeps his eyes opened, his hair sways like black sea plants. 'Forty two', he says once he's back on the surface.

'What?'

'That's how long I can last', his hand grabs the inner side of Jeff's hips. He turns around causing small waves around their bodies, wet mouth touches Jeff's chest.

'We shouldn't'

'That's right but I never did anything that is right. See I'm so terrible'

'You're so fucked up'

Jimmy's hair sticks to his abdomen. Jeff's amazed by how easily Jimmy makes decisions, how bravely he takes the risk and how little he cares about other people's opinion. He slowly gets lower and lower before there is only top of his head above the water. Jeff can feel his lips and he's so amazingly unpredictable, breathtaking. When he rans out of air Jimny raises up again, water drips from his chin.

'What are they gonna say if they ever see us right now?'

'Nothing good I bet'

'Doesn't it make you turned on?'

No, it's not the reason. Jimmy makes him turned on. Hands keep moving under water, stroking him and Jimmy gets down again. Jeff doesn't stop him. If once Jimmy wanted something nothing can stop him, green eyes see no obstacles. When he gets off Jimmy pulls himself up and grins at him.

'No', Jeff moans, 'There are fish, what have you done'

'I don't know, is it lethal for them?'

'Hell I know. Let's get out, I'll give you towel and for fuck's sake dont touch it'

Jimmy shrugs and lets go off of tub plug. Jeff wraps him in the towel and Jimmy sits on the corner of the bath watching him trying to catch the fish.

'Make a wish if you catch that golden one'

'I wish my best friend thinks harder before taking action'


	33. Comatose

Jimmy's changing his costumes like lizard sheds skin. His body shines from sweat, dark chest hair is wet and kind of stuck together. Robert wants to lick it up, taste it in his mouth. Not the best wish for straight womanizing rock'n'roll god. He stuffs himself with cigarettes and girls' lip gloss just to stop thinking about Jimmy's flavour. 

Sound of water tails off, Jimmy gets out of the shower wrapped in thick warm robe.

'You're still here?', he says with surprise, 'Wake up from your comatose, I don't wanna stuck here for the whole evening'

'Neither do I'

Jimmy friendly pats his back and gives him a big smirk before leaving. Robert's left alone in the showers. Echo of Jimmy's steps quickly fades away. Robert unties his blouse, takes of all the bracelets, he looks around searching where to put them and that's when he sees Jimmy's forgotten dragon suit. Of course they never do laundry themselves, stuff take care of it but Robert disapproves Jimmy's careless habit of dropping his things around like this. He has only one suit, what the hell he was thinking? Someone could steal it. 

This is when crazy idea is born. Robert glances around to make sure no one can spot him and snatches suit in one fast move like a thief he actually is. He closes the curtain, hidden in small shower cabin, separated from the whole world there, alone with piece of Jimmy in his hands. He opens switch, lets the water run across his legs and examines suit. Material is lightweight and feels very nice to his skin, dragon pattern is skillfully sewed on there, stitch to stitch, piece or art. It's still wet, soaked with Jimmy's sweat. He must be disgusted but Robert feels turned on. He brings suit closer to his face and smells it. He can feel Jimmy in every little piece. Robert sighs, that's so wrong, but no one sees, no one will know. His only judge is Robert himself. 

He closes his eyes and thinks about drops of sweat traveling down Jimmy's chest to his stomach, lost somewhere under the belt of his pants. Robert wants to pick it up with his tongue, instead he just licks his dry lips and buries his face in fabric. He recalls a few times when he saw Jimmy naked, Jimmy is very reserved and doesn't allow himself being involved in public shugging, changing clothes in front of others and these kind of things but once he's drunk or high he looses wariness quickly.

That night they called two girls to Robert's hotel room to have some fun but Robert dozed off soon from too much weed. When he woke up the lights were dim and he heard some kind of pottering on the other side of his king sized bed. Robert opened his eyes to see Jimmy fucking this girl, her friend mystically dissapeared somewhere. The air was hot and filled with heavy panting, Jimmy grabbed her breasts almost violently and she squicked like a mouse. Robert concentrated on sight of Jimmy's hips moving in unsteady rhythm, his hair sticking to sweating back. Half-sleepily half-hypnotized Robert reached for his fly. The scene in front of him was so hot that he lost it giving himself out by moan. The girl was too busy or drunk, she didn't seem to notice but Jimmy turned to him. Pleasure on his face, he looked as unconscious as Robert, for some reason he kept eye contact untill he came with his mouth opening and letting out a gasp which made Robert climax immediately. 

They never talked about it. Next morning Jimmy acted like nothing happened and Robert decided that for sake of their band it was better to pretend it wasn't a big deal. But it was. And now he is stroking himself in the showers grabbing Jimmy's dragon suit and thinking about him. He knows he shouldn't but he cannot resist, even this isn't enough so Robert wraps the fabric around his cock. It is pleasantly soft and he jerks off like crazy, like if he is in his teen years imagining Jimmy's hands on him. He realised the whole depth of problem only after his semen is already spilled on the suit. 

'Oh, fuck. Fuck me', Robert groans. Now as everything is finished he feels stupid and ashamed. His heart is beating fast because Robert is terrified. It's too obvious and if his secret gets discovered there will be scandal. He knows he has to do something but his brains cannot work well after intense orgasm. With shaky hands Robert puts the suit under the flow trying to get rid of the stain, hoping it will work out then he quickly washes himself and steps out. He leaves the suit hanging in the showers and almost runs out to stumble over one of their roadies scared by such an unexpected invasion. Robert murmurs apologies and gets out, he slips on the back seat of the limo next to Jimmy and it feels crazy because he was jerking off on him just five minutes ago.

Jimmy is unaware of any conflicts in Robert's head, he gives Robert unsatisfied look and rolls his eyes. 'I already though you passed out there. What took you so long?'

'Nothing. I'm just an little tired'

'Cheer up, Percy, I bet these chicks would bring you back to life', with this Jimmy turnes away to the window and Robert has to hum in agreement because that's what you do when you fell for your bandmate to keep it cool. 


	34. City Sirens

The band announced next song, Jeff couldn't hear very well because of loud cheering the crowd gave in response. How did they sneaked in being unnoticed was unbelievable. Well, Jeff was never in the spotlight moreover he used to escape this kind of situations too concerned about his own privacy, Jimmy... Jimmy changed a lot. The old Jimmy with his famous bush of messy curls and charming smile can still be seen in this tired to death man but Jimmy was smart enough to wear simple clothes and to cover his head with cape of Jeff's hoodie. He frozen stuck in the first row between exited teens who by all accounts were too drunk, high and excited to care about someone in the crowd. They smelled cheap beer and adrenaline, Jeff didn't move much himself yet he was soaked in their sweat. Unpleasant feeling. 

As soon as the guitarist, Jeff didn't even know his name as he desperately forgot the name of the band after a couple of tracks, started to play first riff crowd went nuts. Jeff didn't understand this kind of music, something between Sex Pistols and Deep Purple, they just saw an advertising and Jimmy pulled him inside the small club that gave Jeff strong sense of nostalgia. It was this type of venue where there would be twice more people that actually could fit inside. He found it hard to breath but Jimmy didn't risk taking off hoodie. 

Teens around slammed aggressively, Jeff had to cling to Jimmy's hand otherwise they would get separated and lost forever, drowned in the crowd. He felt Jimmy's wet fingers squeezing him tightly. They stand pressed shoulder to shoulder and Jeff put his arms around Jimmy's waiste, under his clothes. Jimmy consisted of bones and ribs, he twitched at the touch but nothing he could really do at the moment. Jeff felt his back muscles tensed and then relaxing. He was pretty sure some of the kids did more extravagant things on this concert anyway.

After a few minutes of joint smoking Jimmy was acting more loose. He swayed a little to the rhythm, Jeff glanced at him to discover small smile so rare and so suitable for Jimmy. What was he thinking? Maybe he remembered themselves when they just started with The Yardbirds? He seemed almost fine until the singer made announcement.

'We are gonna play something special for you tonight, something you all know very well. Let me introduce you Stairway to Heaven'

Jimmy twitched. Jeff didn't have time to react when Jimmy, almost panicking, dropped his hand and started to make his way back to crowd's dissatisfaction. Jeff panicked too and tried to get out, it wasn't easy teens were mesmerized with their favorite band. He only mumbled apologies here and there and got annoyed exclamations on the way but he managed to escape.

Jimmy was out nervously smoking, wind in his hair tossing his half straightened curls over pale face. His hands shook.

'Let's go, let's get out of here', he almost pleaded. 

Jeff nodded. They had to search for his car parked near by. Jimmy didn't take front seat as Jeff expected instead he stretched at the back. 

'Wanna go home?'

'No'

'Then what?'

'Just take me somewhere'

Jeff pushed the gas pedal. He drove around the place waiting for Jimmy to decide. Jimmy said nothing. Jeff got out of the city and passed Southampton, he kept driving until they reached the shore only there he stopped and let himself look back to find Jimmy laying down on the seat. He dozed off. Jeff opened the back door to check up but Jimmy wasn't pretending, alcohol and pot finished him for tonight. 

The sun lazily rose above horizon. Jeff sat on the floor smoking one cigarette by one, loosing count. With his dark wavy hair across paper-white face and hard breathing through running nose Jimmy looked like the city siren remorselessly thrown from the comfortably cool ocean on the dry shore. 


	35. Being polite

  
'How are you doing?'

Jimmy raises his head and smiles. He doesn't want to but it's polite, it's what people expect you to do like when you greet someone and say good morning you don't give a shit if it's good indeed or not, you just say it.

'Fine'

Jeff shakes his head.

'No, I mean how are you really doing?'

Jimmy bites his lip. He doesn't know what to reply. Everything's right everything's wrong. He's still not that old but his best days are behind, he has no energy to carry on, he's empty and drained, he's jealous of how soon everyone moved on with their lifes. Not him. And he's aching deep inside but hell never he will let anyone see it. He has to play cool because he's Jimmy fucking Page.

'I don't know really', Jimmy says, 'I need a smoke and I'm a little thirsty'

Jeff smiles at him and passes him a bottle of water, then moves an empty chair to sit opposite. Jimmy feels uncomfortable, he doesn't like looking someone in the eyes he also hates eating or drinking in front of people, especially now knowing how bad his teeth look.

'You always escape to answer the questions you don't like, you're so professional in this field'

'What do you want?'

Jimmy feels annoyed because Jeff is right. 

'What do you want, Jim?'

'I want some peace'

'Like for real? I mean all you desire is to be locked here doing nothing but moping and getting wasted?'

Jimmy doesn't know what he wants for the first time since he was a teen. He lost confidence, he lost his way.

'What shall I do?', he asks, 'Tell me?'

'I don't know'

Jimmy makes disappointed sigh. Of course how can other person know if he is clueless himself.

'What if I kiss you now?'

'I don't know' 

Jeff leans closer, touches his chin and Jimmy squints immediately. He can feel rough lips against his own and fights the urge to pull away, escape but Jeff does nothing more.

'Let me', he whispers in Jimmy's mouth and Jimmy does. 'Do you feel different?'

'I have no idea'

'I was just kidding'

Was he? Jimmy looks straight in the grey eyes that envelope him with some kind of hypnotizing fog because Jimmy doesn't understand how he lets Jeff keep on doing this. Is it his way to shake him down? Does it mean anything?

'Forgive me'

'Just stay, I want you to', Jimmy says catching his wrist, 'We will keep it between us, nobody's gonna find out'

Jeff stays and they kiss the whole night while Jimmy's trying to figure out what does he want besides it. Yet it's not the worst thing to start with.


	36. The Ocean

'Go ahead'

Jeff looks at his hands on Jimmy's neck. Jimmy put it there.

'No'

His neck is so fragile and a bit scratchy where he has stubble. Vein throbs under thin skin. 

'I ask you. I beg you. Do it'

'Jim, it's not easy to kill people. And I don't want to kill anybody, especially you'

Jimmy touches his wrists, fondles them and then covers Jeff's palms with his own, press them to squeeze his neck. Jeff pulls away. 

'Looser'

Jimmy pushes him with anger.

'You're useless'

The ocean is cold. It licks their shoes when Jimmy walks forward and Jeff follows him scared because of his suicidal intentions and inability to swim.

'You know that you just have to push me in the water and hold, don't let me go. How long can human stay without breathing? Two minutes? Three? Just a little bit of work and it's done, I won't feel anything, no suffering, nothing'

When did he become so abusive? Jimmy used him all the time, he never cared about Jeff's feelings, only his cruel egoistic desires. When he needed help Jeff was always there, when he wanted to get drunk and talk bullshit Jeff listened. When he told Jeff that he wanted to be fucked Jeff did it too. Now Jimmy wanted to see the ocean. The waves move back and forwards, break over their legs. Jimmy looks up in the sky.

'Listen, calm down. I brought you here to feel better. Cry, do something, I cannot help you so help yourself'

'Can't'

'You can scream, no one will hear'

'No'

Jeff catches his hands, Jimmy tries to escape, hide them in the pockets but Jeff slips his fingers under his long suit's sleeves. They fight silently before Jimmy lets Jeff to hug him.

'Why don't you leave?'

'You're important'

'Am I a mission or something?'

'You're a riddle'

'And you don't want to kill me?'

'No'

They walk on the shore. The sand is sticking to their jeans, Jeff's shoes are so wet inside that he cringes.

'Take your sneakers off and give it to me'

'They are full of water', Jeff says however bending down to unlace. Jimmy rolls his eyes and almost shouts. 

'Don't! Why do you have to listen to everything I say?', Jeff looks confused but Jimmy continues, 'I'm so tired of you, leave me alone. Even looking at your face makes me sick'

Jeff thinks that he needs a good doctor. He cannot come off himself and Jimmy's mood swings are dangerous. 

'How long have you being clean?'

'Why do you care? It's not your business'

'I want you to be normal. You don't know what are you talking, you don't control your actions'

'Then who's controlling me?'

They both know but no way Jimmy will admit it. Jeff looks at his face, pictures in his head how he will grab Jimmy's hair and push him down in the ocean, how Jimmy will fight back, it's human instinct to fight death, and how his body will become heavy, lifeless. Just a body, stupid empty shell, without Jimmy in there it's nothing. Jeff twitches and shakes unpleasant feeling off. He reaches to stops Jimmy on his way, places his hands back on his neck.

'I love you'

'Don't you feel like killing someone you love? So I won't escape anymore, you can make me yours'

Instead of choking him Jeff gently traces the veins untill he reaches collarbones. Jimmy freezes, he breathes hard like after long run without success because he cannot run from himself. 

'You're already mine'

'Not true'

The ocean roars together with the wind, tosses Jimmy's hair, covers his face hiding him from Jeff. He thinks about little mermaid who became sea foam and feels scared that Jimmy might dissolve in the waves like this because he's too thin. But Jimmy stays. 


	37. Methane Zone

Jimmy is suffocating him.

Jeff cannot breath in his presence. He isn't sure if it's because of the feelings he has for Jimmy or because Jimmy is toxic. He is tasteless and colorless, all the paints are washed away from his bloodless face. But still he is flammable. Being in one room with Jimmy is like walking in the methane zone. 

He feels dizzy when they sit knee to knee but Jimmy never noticed. He looks more into himself than around, he always was self-centered. All Jeff wants is to pull hundredths cigarette out if his mouth and tell him to stop. Or maybe he just wants to taste Jimmy's lips from the filter. 

Jimmy shakes when they are walking from the stage and Jeff offers him hand. Jimmy leans into touch so naturally, he's clueless about what's happening in Jeff's head. Jeff has to pull all his strength not to shake himself. When he sees how Jimmy's struggling to breath through running nose Jeff wants to bend over and fill his lungs with air. If only he could, if only he found courage. 

He cannot look at what Jimmy is doing to himself. But Jimmy gives him weak insensire smile and tells he would be all right and this pretense is the thing that hurts Jeff the most.


	38. Lullaby

Knock, knock, knock.

They have their own password.

The moment he opens the door to the bed Jimmy doesn't want to part. The place they touch is like velvet, Jeff is under his coat, under his shirt, under his skin. In his head, his hands, in his mouth, in his guts. Jimmy already turned off the lights and pulled down the curtains, they don't need to know time, time doesn't exist in this velvety dark hotel room. 

Bed sheets are made of silk which feels nice to Jimmy. It remains cool even when the heat from their bodies is unbearable. Rouch jeans material is under his palms when he grabs Jeff's buttocks in possessive gesture because he belongs to Jimmy. At least this night. Jimmy's addicted to Jeff's mouth like if it was holy grail that provides him utter happines and youth. Jimmy easily slides down on silk and sips again and again, everything's possible when he turns the key in locker.

What they make is not noise, it's a lullaby. Except that they aren't getting sleep tonight. Tomorrow Jimmy will get up with dark circles under his eyes but he will look at it as a symbol of their closeness not a flaw. He doesn't mind. Even when their neighbors will angrily knock the door it's nothing, he is moving out soon.

He's lulled away by the swing of their hips, Jeff steals him from this world to bring Jimmy into dreamland. He's so high on Jeff that it feels like sleeping in the sky having cloud on his tongue. Kisses that are lighter than air alternate with sharp bites, Jeff cuts his initials on Jimmy's neck which Jimmy hides under scarves because it's too intimate to let everyone glance at. They wring out the best they can from the night covered in sin which feels sacredly, Jimmy is blessed with his name being said over and over agin, he's worshiped by Jeff shamelessly. He doesn't like to share but he easily gives away his moans, he will sacrifice anything if it means Jeff's coming back. His lips are so dry and he's so hot and thirsty as if he swallowed the sun, it sits down his stomach nicely, tingling him, forcing his muscles to tense in climax. 

It's not dirty, it's pure. Their tongues lazily entwine, rub against each other, then the moves become more weak until they doze off. They don't want to but tiredness takes over putting sleepy spell on them. This night Jimmy doesn't see nightmares.


	39. Satellite

Jeff takes him to the sky, lets him touch the stars. Jimmy can taste them in his mouth and they feel warm. 

Stardust settles on his clothes, face, lips. Jimmy shines and he's so lightweight that he can walk the Moon but firm grip of Jeff's hand make him stay on earth. 

Jeff is his natural satellite which orbits Jimmy, guards him, keeps him company. Jimmy feels like undiscovered planet. Or like outer space while Jeff is mapping stars on his skin, searching for solar system under his clothes. 

'Do you know that Russians launched the first artificial satellite called Sputnik 1?', Jimmy asks. His head lays comfortably on Jeff's knees like if it was always supposed to be this way.

'Whatever'

'Isn't it great to describe us?'

Jeff thinks for a while and shakes his head, 'I would vote for comet and it's tail'

'No, they die after they come near the sun many times'

'They don't die, they become rocks or dust'

'So are we like rocks?', Jimmy frowns getting confused. Jeff traces shape of his mouth before he replies. 

'You are overthinking, we're just mortals'

Jimmy gets up and gives him hand. Their fingers join each other, two pieces of puzzle. 

'Bullshit, we are the best'

The sun rolls out at horizon erasing all the stars, overshadowing the moon but not them. Jeff will never dissapear from Jimmy's life when the day comes just like satellites don't stop orbiting their planets. 


	40. Cheapest flight

Robert feels as if he took someone else's place again. Imposter. 

He was supposed to rest, enjoy family life but on-stage Robert melted into him changing his personality and now Robert is bored out of his mind missing the action. He misses Jimmy too but Jimmy is away working, mixing their new album.

Robert wants to be closer. He wants it to be like before when he could get the cheapest flight, jump into the plane and get to suddenly see Jimmy. He used to spend sleepless nights booking any available flight to land next to Jimmy in the dusk. And this time was the best, agony of endless waiting and happiness mixed together. Jimmy would meet him here and there in whatever airport Robert landed, big or small, modern or half fallen apart, tell Robert not to waste money but deep inside, Robert knew, he was pleased to see him.

Now they could hire their own plane and travel like kings but Robert was missing these narrow sits, awful airport food and Jimmy's tired smile when he opened his arms to let Robeer in, when they could afford giving no shit about what other people would think.


	41. Butterfly

Jeff is painting instep of his foot. Jimmy sips the beer he stole from the fridge, crinkles his nose and tries not to laught because it's tickling. 

He rolled the edge of his jeans, his legs are comfortably placed on Jeff's lap, Jeff hangs over to have better look. Colorful pen is scratching Jimmy's skin. Jimmy looks up at the ceiling and considers if he shall speak what's spinning on the tip of his tongue or leave it for later because he's oversensitive when he's drunk. Jeff forbids him to pry that's why Jimmy has to find something interesting around even if he wants to watch the process. Jeff's face is concentrated, with his brows frowning and lips pursed he looks just like when he's playing guitar. Jimmy's diying from curiosity but he only feels Jeff's fingers touching his toes and ankle, he taps his free toe on Jeff's knee impatiently. 

'How long?', he complains again and tries to move, Jeff hisses, holds his leg on it's place. 

'Now, just a second', Jeff scratches something more before letting go off of Jimmy's leg. Jimmy squints at design. 

'Butterflies?'

Jeff drew them sitting around his bridge up to the ankle, dancing around. Wet ink shines on his skin and Jimmy has to be careful not to spoil it before it's dry. 

'Why?'

Jeff shrugs and kisses him just between the tip of butterfly's wing and the space where his leg isn't not covered with clothes. Jimmy giggles trying to push him away.

'You have pretty legs, so long', Jeff says tracing his design with index finger, 'Like endless'

'Bullshit', Jimmy objects. It's it a thing he shall tell to his girlfriend anyway? But Jeff doesn't care about her, instead he invited Jimmy over.

'I tell you'

'Fine, I won't wash anymore, I like it'

'I can draw you a new one'

Jimmy drags him closer and does what he was thinking about since he stepped in Jeff's house. They kiss and kiss and Jimmy melts because he is drunk, not because he's flattered. 

'Thank you', he says. He wants to break the rules and come across with everything he had to tell Jeff but he has no chance because Jeff has different plans for them. Anyway they have time, Jimmy might tell him later, probably tomorrow. 


	42. Sun

He's attached to these old hotel rooms with dim lights, sirens ringing outside and only one large bed with ugly covers on it. They always set time in prior. Jimmy needs to prepare, he has to know where he's going to plan a safe way and get ready mentally. He is used to be a living god, and gods can't be weak, it wasn't easy for him to admit that he's needy. And it wasn't easy for Jeff to accept the fact that he's not what he thinks he is, after all they both have partners, responsibilities, careers and plenty of groupies, not to count one night stands. They just couldn't afford to be caught. 

Jimmy's delivered to the address he told to the driver, he's wearing sports jacket, sneakers and cap. He hates this outfit, but he doesn't want to be recognised. The car stops, and he puts on huge sunglasses, quickly slips away before anyone can pay attention to strange man on the street. The only thing good about these places is that hotel stuff is picked up from some sleepy weed smokers, who are hardly interested in anything, but grass, and Jimmy always has something to shut them up. He checks in under different surnames, he even worries that one day he won't be able to think of a new one. For now it doesn't matter, he was waiting for this moment for too long to think anything else. He grabs the keys, walks to the elevators in slow motion, because his legs suddenly feel weak. He has to lean on the dirty wall, otherwise he's afraid he might pass out. He didn't eat much for days, he's offered the most exotic meals they can get to his room, but Jimmy doesn't have appetite.

He never used to be a worrier, now he feels uneasy, knowing what's awaiting for him in the room. He doesn't knock, he knows that Jeff is there. The lock makes creaky sound, and Jimmy pushes the door. That's it, no way out, the table is turned. The main light is off, only a small table lamp gives him some vision. He sees Jeff's back, and the room is smoky, making Jimmy want to pull the ashtray closer and pull out his own pack of Marlboro. 

Jeff raises from the bed to greet him, and Jimmy is scared to death when strong hands entwine around his waist. He's afraid of kisses Jeff gives him, he twitches away, not letting soft lips to brush against his own as if this simple manifestation of feelings can kill him.

'I was waiting', Jeff says, taking off the cap, letting Jimmy's long ponytail to drop on his shoulders. Shorter locks are stuck to his face, Jeff tenderly moves them away to look at him. Jimmy doesn't want it, he knows why he's here.

'Please', a polite phrase that is normally used to beg someone sounds so firm that it's more of an order when it comes from Jimmy. Jeff rolls his eyes.

'How long?'

'Switch off the lamp'

Jeff does, he always does what Jimmy wants. Jimmy can't explain his pathological fear of light. Maybe the thing is he's afraid that if Jeff sees him, they will make it real, because he's still like a kid, who closes his eyes and pretends if he doesn't see the others, no one will see him too.

Darkness wraps it's arms around them. Jimmy hears the sound of fabric and blanket being moved. He can only discern silhouettes, nonetheless he's still scared.

'Close your eyes'

'Do you really think I can see a shit? Fine, whatever'

Jimmy knows Jeff too well, he's sure he can be trusted. Jeff won't lie even for his own benefits, after all he understands how important it is for Jimmy. He's been a leader of the biggest band of the decade, he is constantly busy with all kind of arrangements, he has to go to the meetings and deal with people while he has communication problems. He is basically worried about being killed all the time. Even the pretty groupies he picked up every night were bothering him, when they started to fight over his attention it was fun in the beginning, but they turned more and more crazy, violent and insatiable. Sometimes Jimmy wasn't able to close his eyes, lying next to another girl, thinking if she could have stabbed him with small steely knife for fruits. He didn't trust anybody anymore, and the only place safe is here, with Jeff.

Jimmy quickly gets rid of his ugly clothes and sneaks under the covers. Like a thief. He tries to stop thinking about it, he needs to let it go.

Jeff disapproves all the debauchery they made, he disapproves the stardom and drugs and many more things Jimmy likes, but he is still addicted to Jimmy the same twisted way Jimmy is addicted to him. That's why they were meeting. They didn't listen to the records or discuss music as they used to do back in Jimmy's old place, they were there to get released from the cages they created themselves. 

Later Jeff asks him if he's eating well, Jimmy doesn't reply. He has nothing to say, no need to repeat things that they are both aware of. He sits up on the bed, Jeff catches his wrist, and Jimmy gets rid of his grip with both annoyance and sadness. He needs to hurry up untill the morning comes.

'Fuck. Will you ever stop running?'

'I'm not'

The ashtray flies a few inches from his face and crashes against the wall. Jimmy freezes, half dressed, blindly stretches his arm to squeeze Jeff's palm.

'Calm down'

'Go. Get the hell out of here, dissapear'

Jimmy doesn't dare to argue or hug him. In the doorway he turns back to say something, but no words come from his mouth. He sees the twinkle of burning cigarette in the dark, this is the last thing he notices before leaving. Jimmy expected the night to give him relief, but he finds himself even more exhausted on the back sit of the car, watching pinkish sky behind the glass, already planning his next steps. However his thoughts keep coming back to the dark rooms, where they will never see the sun. 


	43. Drive

The lights draw imaginary scenes on their faces, slide across the skin, gently touching it like hands of lover, fade away and vanish in the dark. Smell of dust tickles Jimmy's nose as they pass street by street, leaving nothing behind in this illusive hours when night slowly turns into morning and you don't know whether you really exist, whether this city exists or maybe you've been dreaming. Driving is the trick to make you think you're moving forward, doing something, while actually you are not.

He stretches his hand outside the window to feel the wind caressing his palm. Jimmy doesn't want this ride to end, they will drive untill they need to stop at the gas station to refuel. He knows that Jeff will get his lazy ass home after he falls asleep. Jimmy closes his eyes, because it's the only condition he can get Jeff's hand on his knee and pretend he doesn't notice anything. The world outside this car, smelling leather and air freshener, has been cruel to both of them, so they're gonna build their own in here. It's the only way they can be close and stop giving a shit about who they are and what they are doing. They are driving north, driving south, driving until they can pass all the borders, exceed speed limit, maybe break the barrier on the way because who cares. Not before his feet will touch the ground. 

Jeff's hand is in the speed switch, Jimmy's is on top of his, pushing it down. The wind whistles in his ears, pictures outside shoot past them faster than Jimmy can concentrate on anything, fast as kaleidoscope. Unreal. Only Jeff is real. If he opens the door and jumps outside, he will smash his head on the concrete, leaving traces of blood and scattering pieces of brains. It shouldn't be that hard to clean, just splash some water. Jimmy thinks about it, tries to imagine the place where he won't exist anymore and feel no pain, but he's afraid to be left alone. They could have pretend it was an accident and crush into nearest pillar, but the night will end and Jeff will deliver him home, where Jimmy is locked down alone with his frustration until their next ride, so he puts his head on Jeff's shoulder and melts into the sound of tires scratching asphalt. 


	44. Starfish

Leaving in hurry again, Jimmy silently begs for forgiveness. He hates himself for this, he can't act differently. He knows it hurts, but he has to be drunk to gain courage to do these things. Drunk to the point when everything is blur and he can come undone, pretending it's whiskey speaking for his actions. Liquored enough to press Jeff into the backseat of the car and demand his touches.

With the first sunlights comes pain, oozing through the haze of hangover. Jeff questions why Jimmy's hard on himself, the truth is that there is too much weight on Jimmy's shoulders already to endure, so he prefers to go numb and deaf. It's his salvation, to find safety in oblivion, dissolve in his cup full of alcohol. He was intoxicated, so it wasn't him. Another Jimmy, whom he doesn't know. The shame is manifest in his resistance to accept Jeff's feelings, Jimmy was never good with emotions. His demeanor tends to disappoint, it's not easy for Jimmy even trying to be civil to himself, he doesn't feel powerful enough to give up their friendship in order to start something bigger. He's unstable himself and afraid to get drown in Jeff's affection, because it's over the top sometimes. It's his thing to give and give and become disappointed, when he finds out, that others can't dedicate themselves as much as he can, like Jimmy, who doesn't sacrifice. His old astrology books claim Cancers are like this, completely blind and reckless when they fall for someone, needing an anchor not to get lost in the ocean of their unlimited love. Jimmy cannot harbor anyone, he's only good with still-water. If he chooses oceans or seas, he can get carried away by the huge waves. 

And there he is, washed ashore, clumsy like drunk dried starfish. If he loses one limb, he will grow new one, but he cannot be cut in a half, and this is what Jeff does to him. Unintendedly. Jimmy needs to escape in order to save himself, maintain his pride, because most of all he's afraid of opening up and getting dumped. The idea of being left became paranoia till the point, when Jimmy starts to believe, it's better to be lonely, and becomes completely detached, like a locked room no one has access to. Jeff had been trying to find the keys, but Jimmy is stubborn, guarding his isolation religiously. 

As the sun raises, Jimmy feels the urge to hide in the shadow, merge with it, become one. Dark calm places are best for him, his eyes cannot even stand the light anymore, because his pupils constantly change in size according to whatever thing he's on. He hides behind the sunglasses in order to prevent Jeff from reading his thoughts, to protect his soul from being stripped. Both his body and his inner uneasiness shall be covered, because it's ugly in Jimmy's eyes.


	45. Quicksand

Sometimes there is too much of Jimmy. In days like these Jeff wants to walk away, run away, turn away, look away, because beautiful hurts like crazy when it falls apart. Jeff remembers when Jimmy used to be steady and rough as sand that gets into your eyes and makes you cry against your will. Now he's a supple clay, Jeff can sculpt him into anything he likes. But he won't. 

If Jimmy could overhear his thoughts, he would laugh and say he's more of a mud than clay, mud that sticks to your shoes and can never be washed off. Jimmy says he wants him to know that he's bitter and angry and pitiful, the problem is Jeff really wish he hates Jimmy with all his heart, yet he's helpless about the way he feels. Even bitter tastes sweet on his tongue when it comes to Jimmy, and pitiful becomes beautiful, and angry becomes "you're just a little bit tired". Jeff has been dieting for too long, waiting, and Jimmy for him is like a forbidden dessert that he regrets trying and keeps longing for it anyway. Like a spoiled fruit that looks delicious and tastes rotten. Loving him is stepping on the quicksand, no way to escape. Jimmy's sucking all the energy out of him, anyway Jeff comes back for more, perfect act of masochism. Bad habit, just as smoking, but at least smoking is the way to get rapid artificial happines while killing your lungs slowly.

He could have destroy Jimmy and rebuilt him into something more likable. But Jeff only wants to help him to form this shapeless clay into masterpiece.


End file.
